Here is a list of 10 essential things every movie creator must keep in mind to produce crap of a fantasy movie dressed as AAA movie.
1. Story must start with an attack on a hero´s village. Does it need any comment? Can anything be more original?
2. Pretty obvious, linked with number one: revenge as a main plot of story is an amazingly, incredibly original idea.
3. NEVER EVER hire an experienced director who is in addition a fan of genre. B-list (or even C-list directors) recommended! See how many quality films made the director of "Eragon" (especially AFTER Eragon, yeah!): http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0266777/#Director
4. Never use blood in fighting sequences. Use of razor sharp blades, arrows and spears in a same shot with red liquid? Don´t be ridiculous! People bleed only when they want to, didn´t you know?
5. It´s essential that the props (costumes, weapons etc.) look like toys. See how annoying is the realism of real-like swords in Conan the Barbarian(1982), Excalibur(1981) or LOTR movies?
6. You will definitely need a child or a teenager as a main character or narrator of the story. Ladyhawke(1985) could have been a cult dark fantasy movie (if it would have been told from old monk´s POW), but Matthew Broderick´s retarded "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" expression turned it into a masterpiece of a "neither adult, nor for children" hermaphrodite flicks.
7. No matter if it belongs to the plot, you have to add freeing the slaves to the story. Yeah, even here on Earth slave labor was the basis of ancient economy and we remember Spartacus´s rebellion not because what he achieved but because the whole thing was so unusual at that times, but who cares? I mean, in a fantasy story, depicting ancient-like world, where slavery is so normal, that no one can imagine a world without it, the story´s hero wouldn´t normally care about slaves and their destiny. But again - who cares?
8. If you have to save some money from the budget, you definitely can save by NOT training the actors for combat scenes. Nothing can damage the final look of the movie more than fighting scenes that look like child´s fight.
9. When producers or director of the movie are fantasy fans, it´s likely that they are going to create a movie to remember. However, if you acquired rights to a kick ass fantasy story and pass it to, let´s say, Michael Bay, you can get as a result movie, where during the siege of the medieval town, NYC cabs are flying in the air.
10. Always use shitty CGI. Do you remember, how good do Cylons in new BSG series look like? That´s NOT the kind of CGI you wanna use, when it comes to bury a fantasy movie. "Knights of Bloodsteel"(2009, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1264363/) is more your speed. Essential thing is, to use CGI whenever possible, even if it is ridiculous and unnecessary. Steven Spielberg could possibly shoot a fantasy movie about two people wandering in the woods, with no CGI at all, which would become a smash hit, but why do it the same way, when you can augment your story with 1995 EGA graphic looking goblins whose moves would make captain Jack Sparrow jealous. Compare "Beowulf and Grendel"(2005) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0402057/, and "Grendel"(TV 2007) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0845463/. First, with no CGI at all, and second, with CGI monsters (AND crappy storyline, dialogues etc.).
Your comments will indicate, how big SARCASM sign will I have to use in future.
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